Am I really funny?

So I was just skimming over this and found this quote "Javier burned the new Sarah Mclachlan cd last week(it's amazing what a little agrument and backstabbing can get you, but hey I'm not complaining)." Damn I'm funny!!! ok enough self love for now.

1,326

Thats the number of hits I had during my first month in operation. So obviously people are reading this. The site traffic has increased dramatically over the weekend(I suspect in most part due to the arrival of the real world cast; I have a link on there so I'm sure anyone checking those boards are quickly linking to this website. Which is cool, it's gonna help me expand my audience for when I become really famous(seriously people who am I kidding?) Well this is the last post for the first month, of the misadventures of me...here's to many more.

And then I was 'Like' and she was 'All'

Someone brought up an interesting point the other day about the evolution of the English language and how 'like' and 'all' are preceding quotes. I've been googling the hell out of: Evolution, English, like and all but have come up diddly squat. So I ask you this, during your next converstation try and pay attention to how many times someone uses 'like' or 'all' before a quote or action (I.E. "And then I was like "oh no she didn't" and then she all "yes I did", so then I was like "Bitch im gonna hit you") I counted this guy saying 'like' ten times yesterday and it was within a 2 minute conversation. Something interesting to ponder...

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone.

I've been addicted to that song for awhile now. It's on every where I go, and the funny thing about is this past Saturday I was singing it on my way to work after a hectic morning(that involves jaime, me banging on his door, and other hilarity) so I walk into a gas station near Jamie's and the freakin song is on!! So I decided that for the time being this is going to be my theme song. This will all make sense it good time trust me!

Work on Saturday was bleh and I couldn't wait to get out. Had dinner with Jaime and was finally able to enjoy a damn good Apple Martini. It's been awhile and it was good to have my friend Apple and Martini together again. Needless to say I was drunk at around 10 p.m., So I went home to get ready and called Justin for plans for the night. I chose not to call Bob because I knew that I would end up running into them anyways(I was all prepared to throw a few drinks at the exes). So Justin and I arrived downtown and quickly bought our first drink at Oilcan's.

This is when I presented the bar hopping idea to Justin. I told him that we always go to the same bars weekend after weekend(my ulterior motive was to try and run into the real world cast, and even though they are reporting cast sightings, I have yet to see them). After Oilcan's we went to Rain, and while we were in line I ran into this really cute boy(I would then run into 4 more times during the night and finally introduce myself to him, afterwards I walk to the bar and get caught off guard by bob, will, and jonathon and the boy leaves..!!!) So Will informs me that the exes are not there, and says that he's glad cause he didn't want drama. I was like "me cause drama? never" but yea he talked to me for awhile and by the end of the night I was very annoyed with people telling me that they were sorry and not to worry about it and to be happy. I was happy at the time, cause I was drunk as shit and to be quite honest with you I didn't care about the asshole exes anymore.

With the night over Justin and I passed by the Real World house again and there was no action going on. I came home with the intention of going straight to bed, but my neighbors was awake and asked if I wanted to hang out for a bit. I had a few beers left from friday night so I was like sure why not, I dont have to work tommorow anyways. So I ended up going to bed around 5ish...

...and didn't wake up on Sunday til 4. I was being lazy as hell and dreaded the idea of going grocery shopping, but I had to and after that I pretty stayed in at vegged out in front of the tv.

So back to the song, well I feel like im at a crossroads/turning point in my life. It feels like its the day after my high school graduation and I was sitting around thinking "ok now what". Well with the recent shenanigans with the exes, I've decided that since they are staying away from me. That this will be a good time for me to find myself a little bit more. I've had either one or both of them in my life for the last 4 years and now I think that that chapter in my life is about to be closed and a completely new one is starting. Call me crazy, insane, idiotic, or whatever but this makes sense to me.

Also I wanted to thank Christopher over at Everything is not Real, for reading and responding to my email. If you ever get a chance, check his blog out. It's very entertaining.

Are or Aren't they?

My sources over at The Real World Austin have reported that they have seen 3 cast members arrive today. So you know what that means? Of course you're brilliant, I'm going to go stalk them...er I mean see if I see them out. F!ck the drama about the exes, I'm calling Justin and we are heading out tonight, come hell or high water. I'm sure I'll have something interesting to blog tommorow.

I can't think of a title

I wanted to start this blog by rehashing this. The reason behind that is because as I was on my way to work, I passed by ex #2's house and what do I see?? Ex #1's truck(according to my covert sources, he's been here for awhile now. So that's why Ex #2 hasn't answer/returned any of my calls...he's off committing friendship sin with the asshole formerly known as ex #1) So this completely throws my night off because Bob is coming into town and we have planned on hanging out, and now with this new information I don't know if I want to because Bob will be with Backstabber(Ex#1) and Frontstabber(ex#2). Ten minutes after writing this first portion, I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do about this situation but shut up and be quiet about it. But like Shannon said "If what they've done to you now isn't a clear indicator of what kind of friends they are, I don't know what will." So whatever, I hate them both...again. Onto other more non-depressing issues. Here's some highlights from last night: -My cat scratched my arm, and it looks like i've tried to kill myself. -A get together of 3, turned into a impromtu party of 7. -Vegas Divas may become the next great blog that I will be apart of(you heard it hear first!!) -I love Jenny, more than she will ever know(she came over last night and I hadn't seen in like 3 weeks, we sat on the ottoman giggling and talking completely ignoring everyone else. I can't help it we get that like ALL the time.) -Adam(there needs to be a complete blog about the story of Adam) -I need to get a new radio and cd player(the radio I havent had for awhile the cd player died on Wednesday; imagine the scene, me walking jamming out to my gwen stefani cd, and as soon as the bitch says "uh huh this my shit.." well my shit fell on the ground split into two and that was the end of my cd player...it's sad, I cried for like an hour because I have been through alot with that cd player. I need a cigarette.

Another Richard Quote

A co worker of mine was working on some meaningless program and I walk over to his desk, where Richard is sitting, legs propped up. He his nicely crossed behind his head and I ask said co worker: Me:"Are you working on RTR?"(the meaningless work program) Co-worker: "Yep" Me: "And what is Richard doing?" Co-worker: "Sitting here looking pretty" Me: "Oh well then he's gonna be there awhile" It's not that I'm cruel to Richard, it's just that I love him sooooo.

At 7-11 of all places

So I stopped by the local 7-11 to buy something to drink before venturing to job # 2 and I was standing in line this Random walked by me and in like 2 seconds I felt like I was having my first Acid flashback ever. He had this scent to him and it quickly caught my attention. I imagined myself looking like my cats do when they catch a wiff of something intresting. So I stood there for a second and allowed myself to go back 4 years... I remember calling you around 11 or so that night to tell you that I was already home from work, and I couldn't wait to see you. It had been about a week since I first met you and I could not get you off of my mind, and the feeling was completely mutual. Finally I had found a boy to fall for. I remember walking up to your car and you handing me the card that I still have to this day, it read "I was just wondering if you ever recieved a rose from a boi". It was so cute, but I was so scared at the time that after you dropped me off later that night, I threw the rose away because I didn't want my roomates to find out. I kept the card, like everything else for the memories. So after I got into your car we drove for almost an hour and I remember thinking to myself "What if he's taking me up these mountains to kill me?". Of course I wasn't being serious, but I do have to admit that the thought did cross my mind. So we finally got to the top of lookout point and I couldnt believe the view. There was Denver for me to take in and that memory has never left my mind. I remember standing in front of you as you had your arms around me trying to keep me warm(I'm still as skinny now as I was then). I didn't care about the cold then, in fact I didn't care about anything but being there with you at that moment soaking it all in. It was the most romantic thing I have ever been a part of in my life. It was like you and I were gods even if it was just for a few moments. I remember sitting in your car watching the snow fall outside and still looking over the city, our hands finally touched and I felt every part of my body light up. After several odd silences we finally kissed and the moment was complete. There I was finally with a real gay boy, sharing our first kiss on the top of a snow covered mountain of all places. Damn it felt good, and I will never forget it... Just a scent and I was able to relive all that in a matter of moments. I miss Luke, he's become a really good pen pal(we dont talk for months and when we do we talk forever). He's been saying he's coming down to Austin but it never happens(during his first trip I barely starting date Ralph and during the 2nd one I was on the verge of breaking up with Ralph and Ralph made me choose between him and Luke...I think you know who I chose). I think I need to go buy a bottle of Curve.

Oops...

OK so yea I was totally busted. But it wasn't a cause of the blogger or the message boards , but it's because I wasn't paying attention to my job. My bad, and trust me I've learned my lesson. I love this job way to much to lose it over some minute details. That is all for today.

Vultures

Now why is it that my coworkers and I at job # 2 stalk the new hires just because they are fresh meat? We have even started nick naming them. First there is Adam(or Andy, we aren't sure yet), well Scott and I have dubbed him "Sarge" cause of his crew cut and stern look. He should be an interesting specimen this season. There's also the Blond Raccoon who has worn a hat for like the last 2 days and has really dark circles under her eyes.There are others but I have yet to meet them, I'll keep ya updated. I know what you're saying too "don't you people work?" and the answer is yes and no. We work, but the work is so mundane and tedious that we have to entertain ourselves somehow. Unfortunately these new people have become our source for entertainment. Now im starting to wonder if im contradicting what I said here???

The Answering Machine

Now those of you who know me, know not to call me early in the morning. I hate it and I will probably end up cussing you out(example my sister-in-law aka 'the bitch' called me around 7:30 to ask me tax related questions, I had to be very honest with her. Mostly becuase I didn't want to answer her damn question and secondly becuase it was 7:30 in the freaking morning!! so I kindly told her "Look I don't want to be mean but it's my day off and I want to get some kind of sleep", she hung up and I never called her back. Serves her right). Now before I go on I would like to mention that I have moved my answering machine into my room, due to the structural readjustment in my apartment(thanks to my friendly crack head neighbor and her 'free' couches'...they were free people I swear!), so now if I dont choose to answer my phone, I get to hear the lovely computerized voice say "We aren't in right now please leave a message"; speaking of which i need to change that. Ok again before I get back to my point, let's have a brief history lesson here(because yes people I am that bored). I think I was about 12 whenever I met Gloria, she was the mother of my bestfriend at the time Alex. Over the years I've grown really close to Gloria and even moved in with them when I was 16. She has then dubbed me her adopted son and I even look up to her as a mother. Well with the recent issues with my mother and my decision not to acknowledge any exsistence of Fort Worth, I have been ignoring alot of people. I've started calling more people like Gloria more often and Shirley too(I'll save another blog for everything that is Shirley, speaking of which. Shirley if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well). So now that you know the history, let's get to the story(which is why you're reading right?) So early this morning(and by early I mean 6:30) the phone rings, I instantly think it's my father mistakenly calling me(he has this bad habit of calling me early by accident). I didn't even get up to check the phone cause I wanted to let the machine get it. So then the message came and it was Gloria's voice "Santisha!!! It's your mother, your other mother and I need help with my taxes". I'm glad that I let her leave a message because I've since listened to it twice, just for a laugh. If you ever meet Gloria you will see what I mean. Well the point of this story is that even though my mother isn't in the best state, im still glad and fortunate for the people that I do have.

Random quotes from the smoker's patio

This is something new that I'm going to be trying for the remainder of my time at job # 2. In conversation about the current new hires: Richard: Yay, I've been introducing myself to all of them off and on. Me: Well ya becuase you're a whore. Richard: Weren't you leaving? Me: I can't after that comment. Enjoy!

With nothing better to do

I didn't have to go to work til way late today so it was kinda relaxing(in reality I didn't end up going to work because of the weather but who's really paying attention?) I got so bored last nite that I finally finished watching this and I have to finally admit that Vercepia deserved the title of Survivor. Next time I won't rely on episode summaries to come up with a conclusion as to who deserves to win. Also, I really think that Neleh did not deserve to be in the final two, watching Kathy bust her ass for 3rd was like watching Lex lose it in Africa and Rob C. in the Amazon.(It's a good think Pulua starts in the next 2 weeks, if u want some really good insider info on the show you should check this out. I don't really have anything to blog about today, it was a pretty somber day of relaxation(I've offically fell in love with my new single couch, I slept like a baby on that thing for well over 2 hours. This is all I can come up with today, hope your satisfied Tracy(and if you haven't noticed, I just killed 2 birds with one stone)

I knew it!

Ok scott and I have been having a debate about Adam from the Amazing Race 6. Now I'm a gay man and this guy makes me seem macho. I've been telling Scott that this boy is as fruitty as they come, and after reading Reichen's article over at Thefishbowl.com, I have confirmation that I was infact right. So Scott if you're reading this, it's not that I think everyone is gay, its that I know when I see a homosexual...so there.

Are people really this stupid?

Well I read this article because his blogger said to. I've read several articles and even saw a episode of Queer as Folk about this issue. It honestly disgust me, but then I started thinking. Am I doing the same thing that these people are doing because I smoke cigerettes knowing that I may get cancer? Something I'm going to sit on for a few days.

Crack and a Jumbo Jack

Today was a rather busy day off from job # 1. I spent the mornining visiting with shannon and giving her my drama from last week(if you don't know then just scroll down). Then I went to go stalk, I mean scope out the Real World house, and it looks better and better as the days go by. I then went and bought the hair dye for my hair(it didnt come out right and im pissed, should i consider asking for a refund?). So on my way to job # 2 I saw not one but 2 drug deals and then a fight between 3 guys. It was quite the dinner entertainment(this is all before I even recieved my jumbo jack). After waiting patiently inside the JAck in the Box for the 27 to come(I didn't want to get shot) I decided that I needed a new place to catch the bus. That or get a car.

Finally!!

I got paid today. Now onto the frivilous spending, Don't worry I'll be broke again this weekend.

Which is worst?

On my way into my 2nd job I decided to stop by the store to get some food cause with the long day I was having, I sure was hungry. Well I go into the store that I normally dont go to and I recognize the guy behind the counter. He looks oddly familar to me but I can't pinpoint it. After he rang up my sale and gave me my change back, I realized who he was, and old trick of mine. A way old trick of mine back in the 2001 days, way before Ralph. Now as I was walking out of the store, I didn't know what was worst: The fact that I had messed around with this guy or the fact that he had settled to be cashier. Is that wrong of me to think that?

Perfect Girl

Javier burned the new Sarah Mclachlan cd last week(it's amazing what a little agrument and backstabbing can get you, but hey I'm not complaining). Anyways about 2 years ago(wow its been a long time since I was introduced to Sarah), I was going on a road trip to fort worth and Javier burned the Mirrorball Cd for me and I absolutely loved it. I don't know if I loved it at first because I was really starting to fall for him or because the cd was so great. I ended up downloading all of her songs and absolutely loved each one. Now on the new Afterglow CD there is this song called 'Perfect Girl' that I'm starting to get addicted to. Here are the lyrics:

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong

In your reverie a perfect girl

Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool

All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go

Give yourself some time to falter

But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what

And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny

That I can make or break it if I choose

But you take my words and twist them 'round

Til I'm the one who brings you down

Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

You need everybody with you on your side

Know that I am here for you but I hope in time

You'll find yourself alright alone

You'll find yourself with open arms

You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive

I have to take myself away from you

'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try

How did I go wrong in loving you

This song is fitting for alot of reasons. Each stanza speaks to me in different ways, I love it and you should give the album a try.

"Just write a soap opera"

Jaime suggested that this blogger should turn into a melodramatic soap opera style blogger. He suggested that I should write my entries like titles from "Tales of the City". I told him to fuck off and let me do it my way. He also told me that I have anger issues.

wtf??

just went back and re-read alot of my post...why didn't anyone tell me that my writing was so gramatically incorrect??

Ok god, I get it.

This weekend did not turn out as quite so planned. I have yet to get paid(which is odd since I either get my check on Friday or Saturday..and yes it's Sunday). I'm not really worried about it because things are going in the right direction and like Scott said, I shouldn't worry about money. I watched the Race with Scott(thank god that asshole Jon got what he deserved. Though I was waiting for him to give the royal smackdown on his wife, it was still a great ending to his story). Today was a rather slow day. Watched Resident Evil with Juan and that gang and then came home to watch Desperate Housewives(is it me or is this show getting LAME fast?). Jaime called around 10, I was bored out of my fucking mind and he suggested a 'Santi and Jaime Adventure'. So here I am in the midst of an adventure. The week starts again tommorow and I hope that my paycheck arrives. Or else I'm fucked.

The UnHoly TrInity

Each year that I return to my second job I swear that this is going to be the last year that I return there, and the following year there I am back again. The place is like a cest pool of lonliness, the valley of lost souls as a friend once called it. Now don't get me wrong there are some people that I love working with(namely Scott and Richard) but then there are some who just drive me up the wall. There is one lady imparticular, the noise nazi, who just drives me nuts. Whenever someone is talking loudly this woman swears that she cannot hear a word that is coming out of that person's mouth but whenever someone has headphones on even at the most minimal volume, she freaks out because of this. I want to grab her by the throat sometimes, but I wouldn't do that cause I'm not a violent person. Trust me though, there have been times when I've been at the point of strangulation and I have to restrain myself(ok it's not that serious but you get the point). With this new season starting back at the second job it looks like alot of the fall out from last season is quickly taking form. New battle lines have been drawn in a sense, and those who were once close to each other are no longer friends. Those who once didn't speak to each other now have more to say. It's funny to sit back and watch, and its also even funnier to get involved with the drama(as you can quickly see I became a part in that drama before) but this year I have swore that I will stay as far away from these people as I possibly can. I have my own life to lead and I will not let them suck me in again. With that said, I hung out with Scott and Richard yesterday night after work. We just sat around drank some beer, smoked cigerettes and cussed. Our subjects ranged from Survivor, to my returning to school, to my issues with my mother, work drama, Scott's going on and various other things. That's where the title of this blog comes from, I don't know if it was Richard or Scott who coined the term but that is what refer to ourselves as because we all 3 clicked so very well. I don't really remember how long we had been sitting there talking and drinking because around 3 a.m. my vision started getting blurry and I woke up this morning around 11:30 am with a headache from hell. Now I am at work with my headset on(which doesn't help the headache). Well tonight I get to watch the past week episodes of The Amazing Race and The Apprentice and drink some beer and smoke some cigerettes. Tommorow I plan on cutting my hair and dying it(I'm giving myself a makeover starting tommorow...this should be interesting)

Laughing at myself

Boy was I wrong about this, well its a good thing I can go back and laugh at myself!!!

Fate/Destiny

You know based on the most recent events I have begun to ask myself what in the hell lead up to this point in my life? -Could it have been the email that I sent Adrian, which ended up becoming the reason that I met Ralph. -Could it have been the break up that I went through with Ralph that lead to the next reason... -Could it have been Juan's fault, who was dating Fernie, whose friend was dating Javier(who after a drunk night on my part dropped me off at home..oh the good ol days) -Could it be the fact that both of these boys have so much in common that it's not even funny(I didn't figure out how much they had in common until recently when we all became friends) -Or could it be some predestined plan that these three lives were meant to intertwine(and boy have they intertwined!!!). I don't know when I start to think about it, and things like this it gets kinda scary. I guess next time I see a situation building up, I will just cut fate off and make my own plans(only to later learn that that choice has spun me into a completely different direction) and I often wonder sometimes, had I not sent that email to Adrain would I have met Ralph and gained a bestfriend in Jaime and would a list of a million things have happened to me. I guess I will never know, but it would be interesting to be able to turn back time and change some things around. So many lives, have to cross in the crazy Austin world.

The Real World Update and other stuff

Isn't it pretty?

What a freakin week. I tell ya I didn't expect half of what happened this week, and I didn't think I would make it through but I did. Ya know after a long heated converstation with ex # 2 I finally got his side of things, and now I feel kind of selfish about some stuff but he and I worked it out, I think. I really do need to learn to calm down a little more. So about the above picture above, I know it's dark and stuff but I just like the lighting and the way the house looks, you can check more pics out here, there is a crap load on the website. So as I end this post for the week I would like to leave on this quote:

"no se ve

Pero siento que hay en mi

algo que esta cambiando"

"It doesn't show,

But I feel that there is something

Inside me that is changing"

Done

Alas, it's over, and I feel better about everything(well atleast for the time being). So now with this drama over and done with, what will happen next? I don't even want to know.

Support-A tale of two exes(Part 4)

Ok so Ex # 2 and I have been friends for awhile now and it has taken a long time to get to this point, too long in fact. Ex # 1 and I have been friends for nearly a year now, but that took months of work and a year of not talking to each other. Now Ex # 2 knows about the lie that Ex # 1 has told and the circumstances surrounding the situation and yet he is still willing to go along with everything and has the nerve to tell me "Friends should support each other, and you should support me in this" excuse me? I mean how in the hell is he supporting me in this situation? Knowing what happened and still willing to go along with everything? He doesn't want to eat his words, because you can never say never. I guess that makes sense, and if the situation were different I would understand, but right now I don't. Man I really do wish my feelings are being considered on his part because I could really careless about Ex # 1 at this point. I really wish Ex # 2 sees all of this and somehow some kind of sense is knocked into him. Until then I can only hope and pray that I don't lose not one but two really good friends. Luckily, I'm only being ignored by one of them, which can be expected...his way of dealing with things is not acknowledge them.

A tale of two exes(Part 3)

So now I think that I'm being ignored by them both. Which is cool I guess, I mean I kinda semi-expected it to happen by one of the exes, but ex #2 I didn't cause anytime that he and I have ever been mad at each other for any reason, we would still talk. I think the most we have gone without talking was like a week. We'll see what happens. Also, I've decided to just let them do this and see what happens without any anger or resentment towards them. I mean what else can I do since I wasn't even considered in this whole situation. A conversation with Jessica yesterday: Me: (explains the entire saga) Jessica: Isn't there some rule where friends shouldn't date your exes? Me: Yes Jessica: And isn't there another rule where exes shouldn't date. Me: Not really unless the exes are your friends. Jessica: I'm confused. Me: welcome to my world. Jessica: Man you gay men are wierd. Me: Yep, and this time I didn't do anything to cause the drama. Jessica: I know and it just came to you. Me: Yep and it sucks So now I'm gonna try and call ex # 2 a couple more times and not give up hope that I have lost him entirely(we are more friends than we are exes), as for ex # 1-the catalyst of this entire situation, I don't know what I'm gonna do about him yet. Onto other brigther things, the other job went well yesterday just the normal first day b.s. It was good to see alot of my old co workers again(im seasonal). So that was nice, and after the first day I think I can handle two jobs cause it was not nearly as tiring as I had expected. I wish I had something more interesting to blog other than this baby drama but alas I don't

A tale of two exes(Part 2)

Ok, so I tried to talk some sense into both of them last night about the whole situation but my words fell on deaf ears. Of course I did recieve a vast amount of apologies from both, and yes it did help...a little but that was still not enough. I warned both of them that this was not going to work out between them, and that they were going to make an already unstable situation even more unstable and possibly break the bond between all 3 of us. Did they listen? no. They are both so hell bent at seeing why the feel this away about each other that they really don't care what I have to say. That's fine with me, cause I'm washing my hands of the whole situation and now I'm just gonna sit back and watch the sparks fly, as this little mini romance fizzles out. So why don't I think this is going to work out, you ask... Well one ex is possesive/jealous, the other doesn't get jealous. One ex is needy and always wants attention, the other isn't affectionate. One ex is controlling, the other is uncontrollable. One ex defines "talking" very loosely while the other takes it very seriously, and trust me Aries and Geminis don't work well together. I know cause I dated both of them. I've known both of these guys for quite sometime and I was with both of them for a long time. If they really think that what I'm saying is BS and I'm just trying to stop them from trying, well yes they are right but for good reason. This is going to be interesting, and the funny thing about it all is that when I found out it felt like my heart had been broken by two people that I care about the most, and now I'm just like 'fuck it, let them fuck each other over, cause as long as they aren't doing it to me I really don't care'. This is going to very interesting. and Hell Months Start today(I start job # 2) and do you know how disheartening(sp) it is to hear your two exes say "we talked about this...we discussed how you would react...we want to see where this is going" it's like two people have now become one and it disgust me. Also, I reached a 100 hits yesterday...woo hoo...people are reading this(maybe cause i've plastered the link to this website all over the place) so now I ask my readers one question...who has been in this situation and how have you dealt with it? Responses would greatly be appreciated!!

A tale of two exes(Part 1)

So tonight the three of us are going to get together and be mature adults(like it should have been done in the first place) about this whole situation. Now im not mad at the fact that they are attracted to each other, that's cool...whatever. I would have dealt with that blow when it came, it's just the way the situation was handled and the circumstances around the situation that bother me. Now I didn't expect to be on a side either of the exes because they both hurt me, but one did it way more than the other did and in an even more fucked up fashion. So all I gotta say is from now on, everything is fair game. The claws are about to come out....and I hope this ends wells. It ain't over yet...

The Spider Web

There are so many details to what when down last night, and so many other factors that fit in to why I was so pissed off...I'm debating how much of it im gonna write about, how much I'm going to make up, and how much I'm not even going to mention. I'm really starting to hate the gay world, as my 4 year coming out anniversary approaches...

The weekend Bitch Slap

So went out with Bob on Saturday to Rain, it was nice going out again since I've been on lock down due to the missing ID. The funny thing is that even though I was completely able to drink, I didn't(I was expecting a snow storm because of this, but alas it didn't happen). I didn't like the place all that much, I don't maybe its something about the glitz and glam that the place was trying to show that bothered me. I don't know if I will be going back. After awhile I was able to convince Bob to head over to Oilcan's which oddly enough was a more comfortable place for me(I used to hate this club). I ran into J there and as soon as we said hi, he high tailed it to the door(coincendence or not?). We stayed there for awhile and then headed back over to Luis and Adrian's...and this is when I started figuring that something was quite right. Javier and Ralph were there playing video games and Bob and I quickly joined in, after the medicore night there was nothing better to do. On sunday everyone and there mother went to Rainbow Cattle Company(shall I list? Javier, Will, Raj, Sonny, Luis, Adrian, Rigo, Lizette, Lynn, Linda, Justin and Jonathon). I really had a blast hanging out with everyone, ya know getting drunk and being stupid and dancing our asses off. I ran into J again and we finally got a chance to talk. I asked him if he had read the 'Therapy' post and apparently he hasn't because his computer is broken. ya know there has to come a point when all these little reasons he's given me begin to sound like lies...well that's what I thought at the time. So I realized that two exes of mine were being awfully close throughout the night, which was nothing really new to me...until the hand holding and the hugging, so being the bitch that I am, I asked them to stop cause it was pissing me off(we've all been friends for awhile now)...I should have known then that something wasn't right. A phone call later, I learned alot about my importance to some people and how easily I can be used and spit out and then kicked to the ground. I regret some of the things I said last night, and other thingS I said I'm going to stand by completely. I still don't know how I'm going to handle this situation cause I care for them both deeply and the thought of them being together sickens me...even though I know it would never work out. I apologized to one ex this morning cause most of what when down last night wasn't his fault and I completely went off on him without him having any warning or previous info of the last week. The other ex I haven't spoken to yet, and I'm not sure if I want to. He knew how I felt about both of them, especially him and for him to do something like that to me really gets under my skin. So after the drunken phone call I had to talk to someone, and would would that someone be?? The only person to answer his phone was J, so I had to give my drama, with tears and all. I'm really trying to impress this boy aren't I?? And I still don't know if his excuses are lies or not but we'll see. I've got alot on my mind today and it's only gonna get worst once I talk to the exes...this is far from being over. to be continued... I never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me, and after all the bullshit I've heard it's refreshing not to see that I don't have to pretend. He doesn't expect it from me. So don't tell I haven't been good to you. Don't tell me I have never been there for you. Just tell me why nothing isn't good enough

God thinks he's funny, and other stuff...

So a month ago I lost my ID, and I thought that I had left it at work or something cause sometimes when we forget our badges, we have to give security our IDs, well I thought that the jerk security guy just kept my ID or something. I had a thousand conspiracy theories as to where my ID actually was, but I never went to get a new one. Then I realized that I need my ID for next week when I go back to my other job. So of course I finally went to get a new ID and this morning I woke up and for some odd bizzare reason the chest near my bed is moved, and low and behold there is my ID. I have been IDless now for a month which is very inconvenient at times and the day after I get a new ID, I find my old one. okay God, I got the joke...you're really funny.(I'm sure Luis is gonna love this, since he looks like me and now he gets a new fake ID!) Jaime's birthday was a fun filled evening that began with wine in the after noon and then Austin Park and Pizza. I think all the time we spent waiting for the go carts and playing putt putt got me sick, cause I feel like crap today. Not in the "hungover" type of way but in the, I don't want to think, I just want to sleep cause my body aches type of way. (and I know what your saying "Austin Park and Pizza??!?! Are you like 16??!?" But the truth is Jaime just turned 24 and he wanted to be a kid again, so we did...so there..nah nah nah) Afterwards Ralph and I met Javier, Bob, Raj, and Will at Charlie's. As soon as we got there, we did what we always do, set up a home base. We decided that the best place for us was near the stairs because there was a table right there and of course we wouldn't be in people's way. I was pretty out of it, which is unusual for me cause on dollar drink night, I usually take full advantage but last night I had 3 beers and I was done. I don't know if I started getting sick from hauling ass in the go carts earlier or what but I felt like shit. That and the people there were just getting on my nerves, one thing I hate more than anything is for some Random to grab my ass as I'm walking by mostly because I don't have an ass and more importantly because it's rude. Well this guy kept doing it and I after awhile I had enough of it. So I grabbed his hand and told him "You know what you're doing isn't cute."(why I said cute I don't know) and he responded "Well you are" and I just looked at him and matter of factly responded with "And you're not". Of course this pissed him off and I probably lowered his self esteem to a level lower than it probably already was(he wasn't even near to being cute). Later I started to lighten up a little more and danced with the boys which was fun, since I haven't seen Javier since he went home to El Paso a week before Christmas(we used to see each other every day), and Will and Raj are always fun and for once Will wasn't being a bitch(which isn't normal for him). Bob was a blast as usual, and I'm looking forward to the rest of this weekend and most importantly tonight, where I will kick some ass in a game of Mario Party(again you're are probably saying "are you 16!?!?", but until you've played it, don't judge me). Also, another story: Ok so when Ralph and I were dating my friend Adrian was dating Crazy, and trust me the name fits perfectly. Well awhile back Crazy and a co-worker of mine A-Lu became friends or had something fucked up type thing going on, and I warned A-Lu that Crazy was well crazy. Did he listen? No. Which is dumb but I guess now he will learn to listen to me because after about 5 months of being friends with Crazy, A-Lu realized that Crazy was a fucking pyscho. Good for him, now if only I could get Crazy to stop talking to me and pretending that we are friends. And why do Luis and Adrain keep insisting that Ralph and I get back together?

nothing better...

..than wine in the afternoon. I'm so glad that Jaime is back!!! My partner in crime...anyways his birthday is about to begin and I couldn't be happier!!!(especially after this morning)

I don't know what to say, think or feel.

it's easy to pretend things are the way they were, its alot harder realizing that they aren't-Me, last night I'm not really going to go over what the quote is all about , because it's to deep and the person it's about reads this blog, so why should I publicly proclaim something, when I can just tell them in person? It's going to be a very long weekend, and I feel like I'm taken a few steps back, good steps to say the least. OK, onto other things. Now its public knowledge that I don't drive a car, in fact I'm afraid of driving but I will never admit that to my friends cause they would think I'm crazy. But after 2 bad accidents, I hate driving, I hate the freeways, and I hate just being in a car period. The irony of this is that I work for an insurance company, and hear about car accidents all day, so that just feeds my hatred for cars. So onto my point (sorry I tend to ramble sometimes). So there I was on my way to work on the good ol' # 15 bus and this lady gets on. Instantly I look in her eyes and I recognize that look, it's the same look that my mom has in her eyes. It's a very scary lost look and I hate seeing it. Well this lady apparently didn't have enough money to get on the bus and she didn't have her disablities card with her either, I felt bad for her and the bus driver was just being a dick about the whole situation. For some odd bizarre reason I brought extra change with me, which is something I never do cause I hate carrying change around(i sure do hate alot of things don't i?), So i get up and give the lady the change, so we can get going cause I gotta be at work. I put my head phones back on and just go back into my world, the lady continously keeps looking at me, and the it bothers the crap out of me. Well I finally get to my stop and the lady grabs my hand on the way out, I take my head phones off so I can see what she has to say, "God bless you" she mutters and let's me go. I just smiled and kept on moving. The odd thing about the whole situation, and even after the lady talked to me was that I felt like it was my mom and not some random stranger, and then I started thinking about my mom and I got that depressing feeling again. I hope it wears off before tonight, because it's Jaime's birthday and I need to be peppy.

Therapy

I just had to get this out cause it's been bothering the crap out of me...so here it goes: Dear J, I remember when I first met you, I honestly thought you were this bitchy little queen and that kept me at a distance for quite sometime. I also remember most of the night when I stole your glasses and your flirting was so blatanly obvious, but I ignored it because I still thought of you as some bitchy little queen. Then things started changing after seeing you out more and more. I saw how cute you really were and I saw a little bit more of your personality come out. Then there was that infamous sunday night when I went back to your house. Now some of my friends were surprised by this action because I never do things like that, others weren't quite surprised and I'm still getting shit for it, but that's besides the point. That night we talked for some time and even though I was under a heavy influence of alcohol I remember alot of it, especially that part when you told me not to hurt you(I had no plans to by the way). The next day I realized that all of my preconcived notions of you were wrong and I remember feeling so happy that I had gone home with you and allowed myself a chance to get to know you(even though nothing happened). I remember calling you the following friday, and you telling me that you always get what you want, you were right cause you had me, and it's been a long time since someone has had me that quickly. That Friday night was another great night with you and I was looking forward to many more, but you got busy because school was out and you had so much to do. Apparently I didn't fit into all of that, so I was easily disgarded, that's cool no hard feelings. I just wish I knew what you were thinking and why you could just drop me that quickly, without any warning. I heard from a friend this weekend that the timing wasn't right. Again, that's cool, but I wish I would have known that, so maybe atleast I wouldn't feel like the fool that I do now. I honestly hope that you didn't have any bad intentions but who knows, I haven't talked to you in forever and this crap is bothering me. Maybe one of these days when you aren't busy, you can give me an explanation. Maybe you won't and that's cool too, I can just put you in the 'boys that didn't matter' category, and trust me that isn't a place I thought you would be, but that's how this silly gay austin world spins, and I just have to live in it. Hope all is well.

nothing

nothing to blog today only that ralph is coming down here 2 days earlier than expected which will be cool cause that means I have more time to hang out with him...such an exciting life I tell ya.

I recommend this!

I must recommend that everyone check out the Ezine from one of my favoriate Big Brother 5 Houseguest, Will Wikle. His articles are absolutely amazing, especially the "How long should you wait" article. Well enjoy!! Big Willy Style

Random Weekendness

Wow, this weekend was a semi-exciting, over the top, oh-my-god-he-did-what? type of thing. First of Saturday started off calmly enough with me going to have dinner with Jessica and Richie. Which was fine until Richie continuously talked about his new job with children who have mental disabilities. I got very annoyed because I have a problem hearing about stuff like that just cause of personal issues. I wanted to strangle him but Jessica stopped me...thank god she did. Checked out the real world house, no news about that. Played video games with Adrain and Luis, and got my butt kicked at Mario Party. Oh yea I found out that "the timing was wrong" with the most recent boy. Wow, wished I would have known that, and I also wish the words would have come out of his mouth and not someone else's. Oh well I'm over that. Sunday was great, I went with Jenny and Sarah to Bee Caves Rd and we hiked a trail near the metal bridge. Let me tell you the view at the top of this trail is absolutely amazing. It's funny that once I was up there, and I saw the view, I only thought of one person who would appreciate this more than I would. So I called Ralph when I got home and told him that he has to see this view when he comes up here this next weekend. '24' was on at 7 on sunday and I'm hooked again. It seems a little shaky but its only the first two hours, so I'm sure it will improve. I must also recommend that everyone watch the new "Surreal Life". For 1) Verne Taylor(also known as mini-me from Austin Powers) is hilarious, and I can't believe he peed in a room other than the bathroom!!! and 2) Christopher Knight(aka Peter Brady) is HOT!!!, well with his shirt off he is HOT!!! (and why is it hard for me to admit that I have a crush on a Brady, A FREAKIN Brady!! oh well, you need to see him with his shirt off to understand) All and all this looks like a good week, Jaime and I are speaking again(he called from LA yesterday, I was so shocked that he called, that I haven't even gotten the story of what happened in LA, but I'm sure I will get to that. I'm just happy to have my bestfriend back)

No News

With nothing to post other than I had a crappy day off of work, the real world: austin house has finally been discovered. Click Here to check out the pics. Im thinking of checking the place out tommorow to see if I can find anything else out!!(yes cause im crazy like that!)

Treading Water

I remember learning how to swim when I was younger. I was about 6 or 7 when my dad and brother decided that I should learn how to swim. Of course I was completely against this idea. It wasn't that I hated the water or anything like that, it was that I was afraid of the tactics my father and brother would use in teaching me how to swim. I couldn't have been more right. My brother would stand at one end of the pool, while my father was in the middle. One of them would pick me up, and throw me into the direction of the other, I then had to either a) swim to them or b) drown. I of course chose the former. This scared the shit out of me and as you may have guessed and you better believe that I learned how to swim after that. Well now everytime I even look at a pool, put my foot in or jump in without even checking the temperature, I think of how I learned how to swim and how devasting it was for me at the time. Yet I don't let it stop me from doing it again, I've just learned from those tragic 'first steps' Which brings me to my point. Right now I feel like im putting my foot in the water with a certain situation, the temperature seems alot better than before, a whole lot better, but the problem is those memories of how devasting it was for me at that time. I still think im going to jump in and not let those memories bother me. I mean I'm only gonna jump in for a little bit, and even though the water may be cold around this time of year, it will still be fun to relive a little bit of my 'childhood'. Hope this makes sense, cause it does to me...

Reality Addict Anonymous

ok so i found this new message board: The Real World Austin and of course it was right at the time when our local radio station was going to announce where the location of the RW house. Of course me being the Reality addict that I am, I wanted to know where the house was going to be. So I begin posting away, and of course the house isn't in the location that the radio said. In reality no one knows where the house is. All of this lead to me one conclusion, I need serious help. And the only help that I can get is getting a camera shoved in my face 24/7 for 39 days or 82...take your pick.

Completely Random.

After a very long conversation last night I started to think about things that remind me of a certian person. Like when I hear "Holler", I have to tap my ass a couple of times. PPD reminds me of March, and the week that I was a housemaid, with fringe benefits :-) My Nook!! Laying in bed until 3, getting something to eat, and then heading back to bed. Long conversations about nothing of real importance but actually meaning so much more. Baby. I may add to this list later, but I swear last night I had about 100 things I wanted to write about. But you get the point...I hope.

I won something!!!

ok so over at the message boards i obssesively post at(forum.bbq.com) there was this contest for this: Christmas at thefishbowl.com and i won...i know i know you're not excited but i sure as hell am.

A new year, a new me

Ok so New Year's was a complete success!! I spent it with Jenny @ Sydney and Kelly's. The entire evening was very calm and relaxing...just the thing that I think that I needed to end the year. Saturday was more of a recovery day for me, I laid around and did nothing for the majority of the day, then I cleaned, and laid down some more. For some reason I was really tired and I didn't know why. I stayed in and just watched movies. It was very calming and relaxing, it gave me alot of time to think. So i've realized that I have been foolishly waiting for something to happen with this boy, but in reality nothing is going to happen. Well that was a complete waste of my time, and to think i really did like this one. Oh well they say Karma is a bitch, so I guess im getting what I deserved, so that's that. Also, I realized that i really do harbor alot of anger towards my brother. My dad made me call him and explain why I didn't want to go to his house for new years, and I told him that it was not a good decision on my part because there would be drinking involved and one of us were liable to say something and piss the other off. He said that it was me who had the problem, not him. Maybe he's right, who knows. So the New Year seems to be starting off right, and if things go like im hoping I should have a good year. HOPEFULLY New year's resolutions: 1. Successfully work 2 jobs. 2. Be back in school by this summer 3. Work out 4. Quit being single 5. Goes with # 4, only I won't waste my time on useless boys. 6. Quit smoking by year's end 7. Be happy for what I have 8. Appreciate my father more 9. Appreciate my friends more 10. Go back to fort worth for atleast a week

Stones taught me to fly. Love taught me to lie. Life taught me to die.

So it's not hard to fall, When you float like a cannonball.