Ending the year in style

I have one of 3 options for tonight: -Charlie's with some friends -Syndey and Kelly's with Jenny(and trust me these girls can party!!) -My Brother's(ummm i really want to pass but my dad is really pressuring me into going) So where will the night lead me??? who knows but i wish everyone a happy and safe new year!!

Hanging 2004 out to dry.

Ok so this is my end of the year-thank god it's over- post. Be afraid, be very afriad. So this year started off with a bang(me, drunk and yelling at my brother on a cell phone at 2 a.m), so you can only assume that this was just going to be one of those years(ironically 2 years prior i was in the same parking lot, the same complex with my boyfriend at the time, and someone saw us kiss and then smashed the window next to where we were parked, again it spelt out the rest of that year....oh how i miss 2002). So early January i was working and going to school doing the same thing I had been doing for the last 2 years, and then my mom gets sick and all hell broke loose. I had to talk to my brother again, which at the time I didn't want to. I had to be an adult about the whole situation so it was best for me just to suck it up and roll with the punches. Then the news of what exactly my mother's illness was came in and I was shocked(that's a complete understatement but the effects of that news still bother me). . Febuary pretty much just flew by for me, as did March since I was so wrapped up with what was going on with my mom, and trying to figure out of I wanted to continue going to school or not. I pretty much crashed at burnt at that point. I dropped out of school because I could not deal with the emotional effects of my mother's illness, work and dealer with my lazy, brothers who decided that it was best to put alot of responsiblity on me, so that they wouldn't have much to worry about. April, brought on alot of change in my life. The ex once again resurfaced, as did certian emotions and hostility towards him. All of that changed after a dinner date where all was laid on the table and alot was forgiven. As we took a shot later that night, we cheered to 'a new begining' and things have been that way since. It feels good to be able to allow yourself to re-open to a person who once had your heart. I'm very fortunate to have have not one but two close relationships with exes. My birthday went off without a hitch(jessica, jaime, justin, javier, richie, andy, aaron, and airon where there...it was great, especially the post dinner madness at the club!). May, was quite an exciting month. My bestfriend gratuated, as did Bob, and the ex(who will now be refered to as Ralph) and as the month ended, I found myself completely attracted to a new boy...and did he bring some adventures with him. During June and July, he and I talked, but didn't get to serious because he was in San Antonio for the summer and felt a little inadequete because I wasn't in school or working. Also during this time, Ralph and Javier grew pretty close, at first it was odd having two of your exes become really good friends. Things turned out better than expected because I was actually able to bounce off of them a little bit. During August, I started my new job and things really felt like they were going to turn around...wrong wrong wrong. My aunt got sick and we had to take my mom back up to fort worth, then my uncles decided that she was better off up there since we weren't doing a good job taking care of her(now where the f*ck where they during the first 7 months that my mom was sick??), my aunt ended up passing away and this was the begining of my mom really falling deeper into her illness. September also brought the end of the first boy and me(I should have never trusted a 19 year old and actually believe that he wouldn't cheat). Oh, October.... with it came New Money, the best Halloween ever and the sunglasses that I stole which would later be one of the reasons that i've taking such a liking to the newest guy. As, November creeped it's way in with Thanksgiving and such, so did the drama with ralph and jaime(ralph and i are finally talking again, and jaime is gone somewhere far far away). I also came to a realization that alot of my actions can't go unpunished and I need to quit making excuses for alot of the things that I do. And now as December comes to an end, I just hope and pray that this New Year is going to be a little bit better than next year. I really do hope that things work out with this new boy....and that is that!

Random Thoughts of this weekend.

Phone calls that matter. The phone started ringing around 11 a.m Christmas morning, it was my bestfriend from high school wishing me a merry christmas(we rarely talk these days but we do try and call each other on holidays and every other month, ya know just to catch up), about 10 minutes later his sister called me as well. It was wierd they were both in two different places and yet they took the time to remember that 'hey he still does exist'. That's what I love about my friends from back home, no matter how long i've been gone, they still remember that I'm here. Well then Javier and I began our Christmas day phone tag(he called me while I was in the shower, then I called him, then i left and he called me back, then I came back home called him and he didn't answer...then at 7p.m. we got ahold of each other.), again he remembered that I was still there. Jessica and Jenny left the cutest messages on my machine, and Bob just cussed me out(which is quite norm with Bob...quote from 2 months ago : "You're lucky, I fucking hate you or else I would leave a message"..oh do u feel the love??). I got Justin's call just as I walked in the door from spending the day with my family, and then Juan called when he was back from San Antonio. To change the pace for once, the boy called me. We talked for a bit but I couldn't really talk cause Scott was there and we were about to embark on our adventure to Africa(I'll get to that later). Then finally at 3a.m.(which was not christmas day), I get a call from the lovely ex of mine, el amor de mi vida, the first(we haven't spoken for awhile, for reasons that I will not publish...but things are ok now...i think). So there you have it, all the people who I wanted to talk to on Christmas day called me or I called them...all except for one, my bestfriend Jaime. I am honestly starting to think that my bestfriend card has been revoked, and I still don't know why. So Jaime if ur reading this, I want reasons. Survivor: Africa So I finished the Outback alot quicker than I expected, and I was not impressed. These people went through hell out there, and I thought things could not get worst than that. Oh no no no, Burnett had to put the new Survivor's in the middle of the African desert, with very little space to get away from each other(which means alot of scheming, plotting and strategizing.) Once again we see the Survivors playing with past votes(in the event of a deadlocked tie, the Survivor with the most previous votes gets the axe). The first tribal swap occured and the Survivors were shocked(just as I would have been had this been my first time to see a tribal swap). The game became more interesting once the tribes swapped, because number wise each tribe would have a 3-3 tie in the case of a vote(which would bring the past votes into play). The Boran tribe instantly got the upper hand by helping out to defenseless ex-Samburuu members Teresa and Frank(when Frank and 'T-Bird' were on Samburuu they quickly learned where their pecking order stood under the dictator Silas and his minions, with the swap Teresa and Frank were given new life and Silas was given the axe). Over at New Samburuu the Ex-Borans were not happy with Silas' minions and quickly tried to figure out who had previous votes so they would win in the case of a tie(all of the ex-Borans had no votes casted against them). So as the merge quickly approached the numbers were 6-4(Boran with Tom, Lex, Ethan, Kim J, Kelly, and Clarence, and Samburuu with Kim P, Teresa, Frank and Brandon). The Moto Maji tribe was born with Boran holding a tight lead, well then they gave Clarence the axe followed by Kelly. The numbers were tied even and had the old Samburuu's had any brain they would have used the old tie breaker strategy to get rid of Lex. But the ex Samburuu's were mad that Brandon went against their plan to get rid of Lex, and the Ex-Borans were mad that Lex had recruited Brandon without their permission. So as u guessed it Brandon was given the axe, then finally!!! Frank is taken out of the game followed by Kim P. and once again Teresa has found herself on the pecking order with the number of 4-1 so as u guessed Teresa goes but not with out a fight and some backlash(she fed Lex a bunch of bs about Tom wanting to get rid of him, with Kim J backing her up.) I'm at the final 4 episode and im so glad that it's almost over, I'm survivored out...seriously done with it, atleast until febuary 8th for Survivor: Pulua. why i spent 30 minutes explaining all that but oh well, now u dont have to sit back and watch africa because i spelled it all out for u...

The Real World: Austin

You can read all about it here: 5 things that i need to do: 1. get of my ass and actually apply for one of these shows. 2. Go out every nite from January in hopes of meeting a cast member. 3. Befriend cast members. 4. Go inside the real world house. 5. Seek therapy for above reasons.

if only I could...

I'm just getting frustrated... Hey I can't hear you, can we talk about this later? And that was that, and I was still not allowed to speak my peace. One of the most frustrating things for me is not being able to get my point across. I hate being cut off and I hate being ignored. Or am I being ignored, does he truly like me and is he truly busy? Or am I just setting my self up to play the fool once more. and then he calls, another voicemail. another excuse? or the truth. I wanna throw in the towel, and then I hear his voice. The hardest part about all of this, is truly liking someone, truly being attracted to someone, and not being able to see, touch or kiss them so u can know why the attraction is there. to be continued...

TearJerker

Just read this article...and you too will cry.

Going back to 2001

So i got to leave work early yesterday...yay!! At 7 the Race was on, and I finally became familiar with the cast members(and Scott and I decided that we would just move the Amazing Race to thursdays since we don't have a show to watch right now...so that's good). Well after the race ended with no one being eliminated(it was a "to be continued..." episode, a first in the amazing race history) Scott busted out with Survivor: The Australian Outback tapes, we were gonna go back to the old school of Survivor. What Scott calls "The first generation of Survivors", these players only had Hatch, Sue, Kelly, Rudy, and Jenna to learn from. Which wasn't alot, seeing how many seasons of Survivor there have been since then. Once the show start I immediately went into statistic mode and started calculating how Tina and Colby won the game(Ogakor pretty much won the game due to tie vote breaking rules and Mike's accident) I can now see why Jerry was a bitch and Mike Stupin forever changed the spectrum of Survivor(He was the first unknown contingency to happen to the game, now mind u maybe this is what sparked Burnett's interest in tribal swaps come season 3...we may never know how well Mike may have done in that game, but it did change Survivor forever...damn fires!!!)...oh and you can't forget the infamous Kucha Corn... I'm only on episode 2(where Kel is caught eating "beef jerky", and Queen Jerri is having none of this.) It's going to be an interesting weekend(since my holiday plans consist of hanging with the family, taking a shit load of leftovers home and popping in the Survivor tapes, I hope to be to the Jury portion of the game by Saturday so i can have a full 10 hour marathon) yes ladies and gentlemen you have found my drug...i'm a survivor/big brother/amazing race junky. I need help, and the only thing that I think will help me is if I am actually allowed to play the game... Well I have played the game once before you can read all about it here .

Hippies, Jenny, Arts and Crafts...oh my!!

So last night began after I got off of work as usual. Jenny picked me up and we went to go hang out with my friend Sarah, which was cool cause I haven't seen her in awhile. I should have known by then that this was not going to be normal evening. Jenny and Sarah had been 'constructing' a Santa out of fabric(a hint of things to come). I found it amusing and couldn't help but laugh at the situation. Hiro, another friend of ours came over for a little bit with a friend of his(who i think we scared with all of our gay comments). So they left and Sarah, Jenny and I decided that it was time to go to some christmas party. Let me tell u, I was not expecting what was going to happen next. Hippies galore!!! When we got to the apartment I instantly knew that these people where not what I was used to hanging out with. But I took the situation as something new that I have never experienced before(as I do with all new situations). So the hippies(whose names I have forgotten by now) were all squatting on the floor, constructing more christmas ordaments. It was fun watching them, but the real fun came when Jenny and I sat down and starting making shit of our own. I haven't felt like such a kid in a very long time. Lord knows how long we were making stuff because by the time I realized it, it was already 1:00 am. Then I got home and called the boy. We talked for awhile and I got the reassurance I needed(Why I'm so scared of the whole situation I still don't know) so last night ended on a high note and he still likes me, so that's all good. Yay! for me. Today: I'm leaving work early, watching The Amazing Race(I still need to get the teams down, because I don't know who is who yet...) well that is the end of today's saga...enjoy!

Saved!

Ok, so I knew there was something else I wanted to post about earlier I just couldn't remember what it was...until now!!! So my saturday night consisted of renting Saved! and watching it with my friend Juan and his psuedo-straight friend Joseph. I was kind of apphrensive about watching this movie with Joseph because I didn't know how he would handle the gay humor-to my amazement he enjoyed it. But that's not my point, my point is this: The first boy that...how can i put this...became more familiar about my sexuality with was this boy named Jack. Now when I moved to Austin(in 2001) Jack and I actually tried to pursue a relationship. That didnt last very long b/c Jack was going to an All Christian school to discover the lord. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with that at all. Except when u use this as an arguement to ignore ur sexuality. Flash forward to 2004, Jack has moved back to Austin and him and i meet up just to catch up. He explains to me everything that he has done in the last 3 years, which is really cool. Then he gets to the part about how he took a class that made him an ex-gay in a sense. I was disgusted at this. I mean why would someone use their religon as a way to deny who they really are? Why would someone deny themselves the right to be happy, just because their religon says that it is wrong. Why would someone want to do that?? And then I watched Saved and I understood a little bit of where he was coming from. Not that I respected his desision but now I can understand his thought process behind it. I was thinking of maybe inviting him over and letting him see the movie without telling him what is about. But would that make me one of those people "who are pushing their gay agenda onto others?" or would I merely be showing him the light. I don't know this is quite a difficult situation and I doubt I will show him the movie, but it's nice to let the idea out. And if u haven't check the film out.

Much ado about nothing

So I'm trying to actually post on this bad boy on a daily basis but it's kinda difficult, I sat here looking at my previous post and could not think of a single thing to say or write about...This is not good. Well yesterday went as well as could be expected. Way to much to go over on here, and way to much to write about. Luckily my dad was there for me later in the evening so he made me feel a whole lot better. I stayed in bed for the majority of the evening just because I didn't want to deal with people or think about the various things that are going to be thrown at me in the coming months. Things are going to get crazy again and this time I don't think im going to be very flexible with dealing with it. Call it stubborness or whatever u want, I'm just not going to take this crap laying down...btw my i detest my brothers. And there is this boy....we talk on the phone, we play phone tag continously(i think that im winning but ahhh whose counting.) I don't know what to expect out of this whole situation. Normally being the bitch that i am, if things don't go the way i think that they should in the time and manner that i think that they should. I just call it quits, cut my losses and move on. But this boy is different. We'll see, ask me again how i feel in two weeks and then we'll see. As for now im going to end this, but im at work and lord knows that im going to have to post something later.

Oh Gwen Stefani

Sorry I had to post this, but I was so against the new Gwen Stefani CD coming out, mostly because I didn't know what to expect from her. I love the No Doubt stuff and just didn't want to see Gwen go the way of one little miss Beyonce(Don't even get me started on that so called "album", that was utter bullshit and I'm glad that I didnt waste my money on it), ok so back to Gwen, I got the cd as a gift yesterday and i must say i am pleasantly surprised...so let me break the tracks down for u... 1. What U Waiting for? the first single and probably the best club song this year. 2. Rich Girl Gwen's 2nd collaboration with Eve, and I must say even though the song is catchy, its nothing like the first single they did together(For the life of me I can't remember the title...does anyone??)Also, we as the listener are introduced to the term "Harajuku Girls" which we will be used to by the end of the album. The song was called "Whose that girl" 3. Hollaback Girl Three words "Uh Huh this my shit"(yes i know that's technically 4 words, but is uh Huh an actual word or phrase?? that my friends is the question) and trust me "this shit is bananas!" 4.Cool I really like this song, the beat is hynoptic and I could be really cheesy and say that this song is cool, but I'm not going to do that. It's also an excellent getting over and moving on type of song! 5.Bubble Pop Electric I am still trying to figure out what drugs Gwen was on when she penned this song. When I find out, i plan to take said drugs and then listen to this song to figure it out. until then it's aight. 6. Luxurious it's got an old school beat to it that I can't figure out, but i do know that she says "work so hard all day, and now we get to lay back" over and over through out the song...not the best on the album. 7. Harajuku Girls Again find me the drugs she was on in Japan. 8. Crash It's the happiest song on the album, and I can see myself dancing to this at home when no one is watching. 9. The real thing it's way to Madonna for me. "Don't go away" sounds just like "Holiday". Just listen to that song and u will get the idea. I went back and re-listened to this song and it's actually a great song, even though it does sometimes sound like "Holiday", it's still a great listen and a very good love song 10. Serious OMG! this is my favoriate song on the whole freakin album, i think i've heard this song 20-30 times already i love it love it love it 11. Danger Zone It reminds me of a No Doubt song that i can't pin point, i'll get back to ya. Again I re-listened to this song and the begining sounds like a Garbage song, and then Gwen's voice makes the sound like a No Doubt song, and then it goes back to the Garbagesque type sound. This song is seriously growing on me. 12. Long Way to Go When u produce a song with Andre 3000, how can u go wrong? U can't and neither did Gwen. Only one request....read #s 5 and 7 again. Wtf does "Upgrade Computer mean?!?!?" Ok So yea im really bored at work today and luckily the day is almost over...yea yea yea, and now i get to go home curl up with my blanket and watch whatever movie i choose to rent tonite. Jaime and I are still on rocky terms and I still can't figure out where this hidden anomosity has come from on both of our ends. Javier is in El Paso, so I won't be hanging with the gurls tonite. Justin is going out on the town and apparently i have to be booked in advance to see this boy that has gotten me totally wound up...I'm sure there will be more to tell on Monday but until then... go buy Gwen's album

And it begins...

Ok, im not sure who will read this, or for that matter if anyone really cares about what i have to say or think. First of all don't expect this to grammatically correct, since I haven't been back in school for awhile i seem to be getting stupider and stupider. I mean seriously, i feel like as each day passes i lose at least 1% of my brain. So where to start with the misadventures of me!!!! oh the drama, oh the drama...just kidding I'm no drama queen ;-) So again where do i start the misadventures of me...how about last nite?? Sure that seems like the perfect setting for the begining. So I worked all day and it was aight, i've noticed that as each day passes i am continously pushing myself to work here, it's difficult sometimes, omg is it frustrating but I can do it plus I love the money, and seeing as I am not in school for the time being, what the fuck else would i do if i quit?? Of course the obvious answer is find another job, but there is not a job out there like this one....anywhere so alas, im still here...oh yes back to my story... So yea I got off work and Scott picked me up for the enjoyable night to come. Well with Scott things are never boring, we just talk and talk and he gives me his wisdom and im just 'yea dude your right'-oh to play the straight game. So on the 20 minute drive to Rosemary's(she was having a christmas party...but i will get to that later), so yea on the 20 minute drive to Rosie's we started talking about what we were going to do on our thursday nites now, and we could not come up with a single idea. I guess reality tv saturation does that to you. You see for the last 6 months or so, Scott and I have gotten together to watch one reality show or another every tuesday and thursday(on tuesdays it would be Big Brother 5 and The Amazing Race and on Thursday it would be the live Big Brother 5 show, which once that show ended we went to Survivor: Vanuatu, but sadly that ended this past week...oh my god i need help!!!!. So we finally arrive for the party oh-so-fashionably late and the white elephant game starts...*insert audience cheer* so I ended up getting these bad ass martini glasses and if u know me, then u know i love to drink!! but then that fucker Aron took them from me, had I had atleast 3-4 more drinks in my system i would have had words with him, but i didnt and Scott ended up screwing him over later on the game(thank god for survivor and it's knowledge of how to screw people over) So I ended up getting some wind chimes(wtf??!) and I gave them to Scott to give to his mother because she was oh so kind for making me a wonderful blanket(sadly it's rainbow, but on the brighter side of things I love the blanket!!). As the night started to wind down us gays decided it was time to make our friday appearance at Charlie's. A few cocktails later, I ended up at home, thinking of the one person I wanted to talk to most, who was out in San Antonio... Tommorow: I'm going to go see my mom, it's been about 4 mos since I've seen her last and from what I'm told she isn't in the best state, so I don't know how im going to handle it. Cross ur fingers.... And let the (mis)adventures begin!